and I don't like the return trip I may have to make.
Heard from SSA on Friday. Turned down again. Next step is Administrative Law Judge review. A process that takes damn near a year to get to.
They feel that I'm not disabled enough to get benefits. They feel I can still sit at a desk for eight hours a day and do a full time job. I know I can't. I can barely get thru the part time job I have now that pays me next to nothing. I'm in quite a bit of pain after 5 hours at school in which I am allowed to move around at my leasure. I'm still taking 4 and 5 hour naps every day because I'm exhausted.
I'm still depressed, though it has been better lately. They said that I am not depressed enough to keep me from working. They should have seen me this time last year, when I seriously considered suicide.
What did they do, talk to my sister who, to this day, thinks I'm faking the whole thing for attention and sympathy? Believe me, if I wanted attention that badly, I'd do something other than fake chronic pain, exhaustion and depression. Unfortunately for her, everything I am feeling is all too real. Before I was diagnosed with FMS, I didn't even know what it was, much less know enough about it to fake it.
On Tuesday (5/31) I'm calling the lawyer I can't afford to get his ideas about how to convince SSA I really do have a problem. I work because I have no choice, I need the money. I'm going to school to learn a new trade so I can make money, but that takes time (at least 6 more months).
So that long road to this point has come to an all too familiar crossroad. In September, it will be three years since I originally filed for Disability and SSI in Massachusetts. Maybe, in retrospect, I should have stayed there. I might have had it by now.
But, then, I wouldn't have come to this point in my life.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, shit, I should be fucking Hercules by now!
--MorelaterZ--
Monday, May 30, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
R-E-S-P-E-C-T (find out what it means to me...)
I started to leave the following comment over on my friend, Johanna's blog, but it got to be so long that I thought I'd post it here instead:
Though there are times that I'd just like to strangle doctors who suggest that my medical problems and my chronic pain are all my fault. They're not me, and they don't know me better than I know me. There is no real motivation to lie about how I feel. I just want to feel "normal" again, period. There are some quacks out there who suggest that all my problems would be solved if I lost weight, but since I've had these problems (long before I knew what they were called) for most of my life, how do they know that the excess weight I carry is the cause of all my problems? I think it's a symptom, just like the pain is a symptom. It's too easy and convenient to blame my chronic pain on my weight.
I've shed too many tears over this for doctors to treat me like a hypocondriac or that it's all my fault. Doctors do not go to medical school to play God, but some of them think (whether they admit it or not) they hold my future and my health in their hands because I came to them for help. Doesn't the Hippocratic Oath state: First do no harm? Some doctors harm their patients by not taking them and their pain (or other problems) seriously.
I know I've been labelled a "difficult" patient because I have no problem telling a doctor he's full of it. There's this one pain management doc in Massachusetts who treated me so badly, and with such comtempt, that when he came in to see me during one appointment and started telling me that I needed a shrink and not a pain management clinic, I told him point blank that the appointment was over. And I started to gather up my stuff and leave. When he objected to this, I said, "We're done, doc. Please leave the room so I can get dressed." I later wrote a letter to the Massachusetts medical board to complain. It wasn't until I had my administrative SSA hearing last year that I found out this quack had labelled me as "difficult". But I kinda thought he would. He pissed me off. And I called him on it.
Well, that's the whole thing I typed. I left a much shorter comment instead. I didn't want her server to crash because I became so verbose.
There are definitely doctors I don't respect. They're in it for the big bucks. "MD" does not stand for "Make Dollars". The doctors who get my respect have respect for their patients. The ones who say, okay you have a problem, lets work together to fix it.
--MorelaterZ--
Though there are times that I'd just like to strangle doctors who suggest that my medical problems and my chronic pain are all my fault. They're not me, and they don't know me better than I know me. There is no real motivation to lie about how I feel. I just want to feel "normal" again, period. There are some quacks out there who suggest that all my problems would be solved if I lost weight, but since I've had these problems (long before I knew what they were called) for most of my life, how do they know that the excess weight I carry is the cause of all my problems? I think it's a symptom, just like the pain is a symptom. It's too easy and convenient to blame my chronic pain on my weight.
I've shed too many tears over this for doctors to treat me like a hypocondriac or that it's all my fault. Doctors do not go to medical school to play God, but some of them think (whether they admit it or not) they hold my future and my health in their hands because I came to them for help. Doesn't the Hippocratic Oath state: First do no harm? Some doctors harm their patients by not taking them and their pain (or other problems) seriously.
I know I've been labelled a "difficult" patient because I have no problem telling a doctor he's full of it. There's this one pain management doc in Massachusetts who treated me so badly, and with such comtempt, that when he came in to see me during one appointment and started telling me that I needed a shrink and not a pain management clinic, I told him point blank that the appointment was over. And I started to gather up my stuff and leave. When he objected to this, I said, "We're done, doc. Please leave the room so I can get dressed." I later wrote a letter to the Massachusetts medical board to complain. It wasn't until I had my administrative SSA hearing last year that I found out this quack had labelled me as "difficult". But I kinda thought he would. He pissed me off. And I called him on it.
Well, that's the whole thing I typed. I left a much shorter comment instead. I didn't want her server to crash because I became so verbose.
There are definitely doctors I don't respect. They're in it for the big bucks. "MD" does not stand for "Make Dollars". The doctors who get my respect have respect for their patients. The ones who say, okay you have a problem, lets work together to fix it.
--MorelaterZ--
Monday, May 02, 2005
Hurtin'
I posted this in my other blog, and I don't feel like repeating it, so check it out at here.
Still nothing about SSI and disability, but I do have an appointment with the state Department of Rehabilitative Services on May 11th to talk about some funding for school.
At least that something is going my way. Whether it continues on this course isn't up to me.
--MorelaterZ--
Still nothing about SSI and disability, but I do have an appointment with the state Department of Rehabilitative Services on May 11th to talk about some funding for school.
At least that something is going my way. Whether it continues on this course isn't up to me.
--MorelaterZ--
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